2014-11-03

The Blink That Killed The Eye - A Review

'The Blink That Killed The Eye' is the first collection of short stories written by Anthony Anaxagorou: poet and author. I am glad to have known him since I was 4 years old, when we were best friends for a few years before he moved to another school. We had virtually no contact for the best part of twenty years after that, despite going to the same secondary school, mixing in different crowds. Ten years or so later we would run into each other in town occasionally and one day we got chatting about his poetry which I'd seen online. 'Burma Makes Me Bad' hit me hard; a piece of beauty borne of harsh reality. Each and every one of his poems hit me hard, the words emphasised in their power by Anthony's flawlessly passionate delivery. He began self-publishing poetry books, going on to work with schools, universities and charities in a variety of outreach, literacy and poetry projects, before beginning a collection of short stories in 2013. I know him as a friend and as an extremely thoughtful, motivated and insightful individual. That is my personal context. Now for the book.

'The Blink That Killed The Eye'. It is an interesting title, one which draws the reader in with very little effort. A blink is a momentary lapse in our eyesight as the eye closes to rehydrate the eyeball after it has been open too long, or to shield from glare, dust, and wind. Maybe the inference is that his stories will highlight the things we miss in the blink of an eye when we are concentrating too hard on the obvious. Maybe the blink is a metaphor for us protecting ourselves from the shit flying at us as we speed through life, causing us to miss vital points that might have helped us find peace or understanding (or to avoid the shit better!). Maybe it is a broader warning to society; telling us that blinking to avoid the questions and challenges that we don't like is killing us socially. All of these are valid interpretations, and I could extract more, but to try and determine the author's meaning we must read more than the title.

Anthony begins with a man's description of his father under the chapter heading 'Bad Company'. It is written in the past tense while he describes his father, soon shifting to describe events in an imagined present; the subject is re-living experiences in his mind. The description of the father comes from a place of respect and admiration but does not immortalise the patriarch like a child might be expected to. It is written from a perspective making attempt to understand rather than pass judgement, invariably a trait attained through maturity. It hints at imperfections in the man, but attempts, successfully I believe, to place them in the wider context of his person, and they cease to be imperfections and are accepted as simply part of 'who he is'. The father is used to set the scene for the son, who is enduring physical hardships working for his uncle in the present. The story jumps between poetic descriptions of his physical struggle to successfully perform the tasks assigned to him by his uncle, his undirected, as-yet untapped interest in poetry, and the aggressive relationship with his girlfriend, who has her own undisclosed issues and is very violent in her confrontation with him. I cannot help but feel that this chapter represents the author's struggles to achieve his dreams of writing 'professionally', the physical work on his uncles roof being metaphor for the social demand for 'work', and 'paying your way', while the girlfriend plays the part of every misunderstanding skeptic and critic, not of his work, but of his personal philosophies and ambitions: 'Bad Company'. Something his father says at the beginning of the chapter echoes in my mind: "Know your worth Alex."

In the next story Anthony goes on to describe an extremely abusive marital relationship, and the psychological effect on the victim from her own perspective, drawing her torment around the reader. I feel myself wishing that every abusive husband would read this, and feel the weight of the vile abuse the subject receives. It horrifies and upsets me to read it, but I am not enduring the horrible reality of this abuse, so I count myself lucky. Anthony follows this with a story centred around security guards in a office block. They refuse to allow a woman in as she has forgotten her ID, and by the end it becomes clear that we know this woman. It links the first two stories together sweetly and subtly, and I feel water in my eyes as I come to the end of the chapter, where we start a new page joining a bunch of men in the security department of an office building. There is a minor incident with one of the workers, and this story follows the interaction between the others as they try to decide what to do. At first I am confused as to the part this story plays. It is the shortest in the book. It then hits me. I don't spot it at first because I am so used to it. The men are horrible to each other. They are aggressive, rude and abusive to each other, in the casual manner that is commonplace in many male dominated working class industries: 'banter'. It doesn't take me long to hypothesise that we have encountered one of these men in the book already, echoing his daily experiences in the most unconstructive way to his partner. The author isn't excusing anything. He isn't justifying anything. This is an examination; a study. This is an attempt to understand human beings in their overt and covert suffering. To understand why people do the things they do. No judgement.

We are taken to a prison where a man has begun serving time for murdering his wife. We are informed of his being a victim of rape and other physical abuse as a child. The author does not make excuse for him on account of this, it is simple fact: this man, this murderer, this monster, this human being was once a child with a clean slate that was dirtied by the inherent corruption in the world. No father ever told him to 'know his worth'. His perception of worth was dictated by his abusers, left to deduce his place in this world off the back of the contempt shown for his existence. No justification, just facts. Here they are. Don't flinch.

Young love. Anthony takes us into the setting of a single solitary mother living with her daughter, the mother having few friends and relying on alcohol to numb her loneliness, the daughter growing up in an environment where the dominant male role model in her life is a plastic cowboy figurine planted amidst her doll collection. We are quickly spirited across a decade or so to the point the daughter has her first boyfriend, a man who reminds her of her cowboy figurine. This precipitates a violent confrontation between mother and daughter. I imagine the mother filled with the fear that her daughter is going to leave her, for a man who in her mind will undoubtedly leave her like she was left, while simultaneously robbing her of her only child and source of companionship. He would hurt her like she was hurt. The author however, alludes to jealousy as the source of her anger and aggression. I think loneliness and depression are the root cause of that jealousy. Under the influence of these negative emotions, coupled with the angry confusion brought on by the alcohol she consumes, the mother succumbs to her misery and assaults her daughter after being told that she is moving out to be with 'Alex', which, I remember, was the name of the young aspiring poet from the beginning of the book, but this Alex does not sound like the aspiring poet from earlier. We follow this story with one of separation, and Alex's sorrowful reminiscence connects us back to the young man in 'Bad Company'. We explore a young man's first encounter with love's rejection. His attempts to rationalise his feelings of sadness and loss. His reminiscence of times passed. Most of us can relate.

'The Blink That Killed The Eye': The final story briefly explores Alex's emotional recovery, his attempts at writing, then taking us into a world of physically and mentally disabled persons as he tries his hand as a carer. He meets people who have 'acquired brain injury', leaving them incapable of taking care of themselves or living 'normal' lives. The blink is our inability or refusal to see past the surface of these poor souls' lives, past the often barely intelligible speech to scratch the surface of the person that once shone from within, the person now trapped within; the happy child, the doting parent, the motivated worker; within the broken body we are presented with, within the fragmented speech and simple conceptualisation are the memories of a human being; memories of being considered a human being. The blink is the means by which we maintain a position of judgement. The blink is the mechanism of wilful ignorance with which we dismiss that which we are too damn lazy to consider: that behind every short story is a wider biography, experienced in the singular realm of the person, waiting eagerly in a lonely corner of the library for a willing reader. This book is not an easy read though. It requires patience and consideration. Empathy. Open eyes and open ears. Open heart and open mind. Realities that are too broad for newspaper headlines, too elaborate for teleprompters, yet elusive enough to be missed in the blink of an eye. Anthony is asking us, encouraging us, pleading with us, for our own sake, to consider, reflect, contemplate what makes a person who they are, the ugly and the beautiful, the good and the evil. Each thing has it's origin. Is the seed evil? Or the rain? Or the farmer? Or the very ground itself? We all too often accept the most basic explanations of the world, of society, of people, but the individual realities are infinite in their number and complexity. We hide behind our ignorant, externally imposed preconceptions of people, society, life. At those moments when we catch a glimpse of something truly real, really true, we panic, flinch, turn away, blink. We hide from that which might cause us to change the hard coded beliefs that come with 'maturity'. Anthony wants us to stop this cycle of stagnation, to face that which terrifies is most - that which we do not understand. This extends further than human interaction. It extends to encompass the entire sphere of human experience - when you are confronted with that which makes you uncomfortable, that which challenges you, that which you are most afraid of, face it! Stare it down without flinching and observe without the fog of pre-conceived thoughts. Try to learn that which you did not already know. In the words of Jiddu Krishnamurti:

"The whole of life, from the moment you are born to the moment you die, is a process of learning."

The blink hides that lesson that we don't like, that we find difficult, but this is not mathematics, science or language, this is humanity. Every person has the ability and capacity to learn and improve their understanding, if we keep our eyes open long enough.

2014-07-22

Shalom

The most Jewish thing I remember about my childhood was singing 'shalom' in assembly with all the other Muslim, Hindu, Christian, Buddhist and Jewish kids.

"Shalom shalom
May peace be with you
Throughout your days.

In all that you do
May peace be with you
Shalom
Shalom"

As I write those words my eyes well up.

We would sing those words like a mantra over and over, and I can remember sometimes one of the teachers would deftly guide half of the school to sing a half bar out of sync with the other, creating a beautiful echo effect in the already echoey school hall.

"Shalom shalomshalom shalom
May peace be withmay you
Peace be with you
Throughout yourthroughoutdaysyour Days
In all that you indo allthat you domay 
Peacemay bepeace withbeyouwith you

Shalom

Shalom"

I loved singing that song.

2014-07-19

Pain

The word 'pain' is very limited in the scope of its definition, describing an aspect of life that is avoided by most people. It is something we reluctantly endure when we must, and block out when we can with drugs. There is a lack of understanding because the majority of us dislike it, making it a core source of suffering. But pain is a sensation, like touch, taste, sight, smell and hearing. It is a message from ourselves to ourselves to communicate that something damaging is happening to us. It is a message, a loud and often aggressive one, that something is wrong. Therefore should we be blocking it out? If it is a message then maybe we should be listening and trying to understand the structure and meaning of the message, but we fight pain, are told to hide pain with drugs that we are sold in ever greater quantities and potencies. In doing this I believe we are stifling the communications systems of our bodies, and I believe, hampering our understanding of ourselves and slowing our recovery.

There is no limit to the different interpretations of pain, because everyone feels and interprets it differently, through different bodies and different minds, with different levels of tolerance and control over their reception, perception and reaction to this sense. Some people have undergone major surgery without anaesthetic. Many people induce pain upon themselves through various forms of self-mutilation as a form of ritual. Some people derive direct pleasure from pain. Some suffer pain but derive pleasure from their suffering. Some endure it to prove their worth to the tribe to which they belong. The categories are numerous, but the individual differences are endless. Pain is self-defined.

When we are children our automatic reaction to pain is to scream or cry. Perhaps this is an evolutionary defense mechanism to startle an attacker, or perhaps to alert a parent that their offspring is in danger. Maybe it is a vocal amplification of the sensory message we are experiencing. Whatever it is, we learn to tolerate it as we get older. A bang on the knee no longer yields sobbing floods of tears as we mature. A grazed elbow no longer puts us in as much distress as it used to. Once we grow up and realise that a grazed knee is not any kind of real danger to us, we brush it off and carry on with our day, laughing about it. What has changed here; the message, or our perception and reaction to the message? Think to yourself; does a childhood memory of the pain from a minor injury seem any different to the pain you feel from a similar injury today? I see no difference. It is only my experience that has changed: experience gives us memory and knowledge of pain, knowledge which allows us to react to it suitably. 

I have suffered from migraines for some time. Experience has taught me that I cannot continue what I am doing when I experience this pain. I must move away from bright light and loud noise and concentrate all of my attention upon my head until the migraine is relieved. The pain used to sometimes come on in waves, and the waves could result in my body tensing up, which I learned made the pain worse, so I learned to relax. By acknowledging the pain I found ways to receive it better. This did not make it any less unpleasant. More interesting perhaps, but I felt no desire to continue feeling such a sensation, so I resolved to find out what was the cause of my suffering. This led me to try stopping drinking tea, coffee and alcohol, of which I found coffee to be the cause. If I had simply blocked the pain out with drugs I would still be suffering, probably more so than I was, and causing myself further damage through continued consumption of painkillers and caffinated drinks. Anyways I think you get the point. This is an old post I am polishing off so I won't go on much further. I will end by recommending anyone in pain to acknowledge the message your body is sending you before drowning it out with drugs. 

Your body is talking to you. LISTEN!

Punch now, ask questions later

Just woke up and remembered a lad trying to start a fight with me as I got in a taxi last night. He was wasted and giving grief to some guy for being black so I told him calmly and politely to leave it out. The taxi driver told me I should have punched him.
I told the taxi driver that if I'd done that he would have woken up the next morning with a bruised face more angry than ever, and some other person would have been on the receiving end of his anger and frustration somewhere down the line, that it wouldn't have done anyone any good in the long run.

The taxi driver told me that he wouldn't have thought about it like that, that he would have punched first and asked questions later.
This is the problem with the world. People don't think enough. We often allow what we call our emotions to dictate our behaviour, usually at critical moments when logic and restraint are most called for, and we then justify it with 'I was angry'. This is no excuse. Anger and other emotions are much like alcohol. They cause us to behave in strange ways that we would not normally behave. They take control of us and jump in front of the rational thought processes that normally dictate our behaviour.
It is not easy to get in front of our emotions when they rear up. We spend our lives trying to keep ahead of them, and if we didn't or couldn't we would live like animals.
Our emotions are what we call instinct. The chemically induced contexts that take pole position in historically important situations of survival. They do not always act in our favour though. Despite the rigours of natural selection, the nature of the world is that mankind has evolved complicated social structures that relieve us of the literal struggle for survival. These social structures have arisen as a a result of conscious, logical thought, not instinct. Instinct is always there, in the back seat, but the driver is logical thought: Contemplation: Consideration: Imagination.

2014-05-15

Headache?

Everywhere I go I see adverts asking me if my work is blighted by headaches. They show me pictures of suffering faces, getting sequentially happier as the advertised pills take effect. They say things like 'for lives bigger than pain', and 'to help you get on wih your busy life, faster'.

I don't know where to start with this one. I guess I'll  address the advertiser directly:

"No, my work is not blighted by headaches. It used to be though. Until fairly recently, for a period of 5 years or so, I suffered from terrible migraines. When they hit me there was no way to deal with the pain but to find a dark quiet place, wrap my arms around my face to keep out the light, and sit it out until the pain subsided. I studied the pain, listened to it, trying to understand the message that my body was sending me. That was an interesting experience. Pain is completely different if you look at it from a completely different perspective. After much deliberation and painful study I finally translated the message. It was a simple one: 'something is wrong'. I went to the doctors. I remember thinking I might have a brain tumour or something equally horrendous. It would be understandable after the years of abuse I had subjected my body to. Perhaps even deserved. I sat down in the doctor's chair and told him what was wrong. He didn't ask me about my diet. He didn't ask me if I drank water regularly. He didn't ask me any of the questions I thought would be simple common sense to ask. No, he asked me whether I was taking painkillers. I was pretty disappointed in him and responded that I avoid taking them as much as possible, as they do not deal with the cause, only the symptoms, that I wasn't getting headaches previously, I am now, so something has changed. His uninterested expression told me I was not going to get anything useful from him. He said that I should start taking painkillers, and if the headaches persisted to come back. I was disgusted. I left feeling disillusioned but determined to do something to try and stop the headaches. Over the next few weeks I stopped drinking alcohol, tea and coffee, and resolved to drink lots of water. My migraines stopped. Over the following year or so I went backwards and forwards, cutting out this or that and narrowed it down to the coffee. When I drank coffee, I got migraines. When I didn't, I didn't. I tried cutting down to just one coffee in the morning and water the rest of the day but my migraines returned, so I cut it out completely. I was afraid of doing this, as I, like millions of others, was psychologically addicted to coffee. I did not like the uncomfortable, edgy buzz that it gave me, but after years of drinking coffee all day every day I had adopted this illusion that if I didn't drink coffee I would be tired and lethargic all the time. The opposite was the truth. I slept better, I was more relaxed, and thanks to my replacing my caffeinated drinks with water I was now well hydrated all the time, and generally felt better than I had in a while." 

"So, in summary, no, I am not blighted by headaches. No, I will not buy your product which masks the damage I do to myself in the course of modern life. No, I will not stick my headache in the sand and pretend it's not there. I will listen to my pain, try to understand its message; why it is there; then I will adjust my lifestyle to remove whatever is causing my suffering. But I really appreciate your concern, and I am able to get on with my busy life, faster, now that I have stopped drinking that thick black liquid we call coffee and eating pills to mask the damage they were causing me."

Pain is a message. It is a message from your body to you. Try listening to it instead of blocking it out. It may tell you something useful.